They say variety is the spice of life.
For a growing number of Americans, that variety includes multiple romantic partners.
A new documentary, OPEN: A Journey through Love, pulls back the curtain on ‘consensual non-monogamy’, a lifestyle that’s more common than you might think.
Featured in the film are two married couples – Myrina and Tristan, and Crimson and Phoenix – who now refer to themselves as a ‘polyfoursome.’
After meeting at a dinner party, the two pairs hit it off and have since built a shared romantic life together that includes everything from beach days to bedroom swapping.
‘Never in a million years would [I have thought that] not only are we free to date other people but then we’re going to fall in love with these other two people and it’s going to be ok and we’re going to build a life around that,’ Myrina says in the documentary.
Her and Tristan’s journey began after a chance introduction to swinging, courtesy of a neighbor.
Around the same time, Crimson and Phoenix had opened their marriage after working with a counselor who specialized in non-traditional relationships.
Among the subjects to speak in the film Open are Myrina and Tristan (seen left) and Crimson and Phoenix (seen right) who refer to themselves as a ‘polyfoursome’
Myrina and Tristan said that they first explored opening up their marriage after their neighbors introduced them to the concept of swinging at a dinner party
Together, the foursome now balance love, logistics and late-night conversations — and they still practice swinging with partners outside their group relationship.
As odd as it may seem, they’re not outliers.
Dr Amy Moor, a psychologist featured in the film, told the Daily Mail that research suggests as many as one in three adults in the US has tried some form of consensual non-monogamy, or CNM.
WHAT EXACTLY IS CONSENSUAL NON-MONOGAMY?
Consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes polyamory (multiple romantic partners), swinging (sexual relations with others) and open relationships (allowing for sexual or emotional connections outside the primary partnership).
The key word is ‘consensual.’
Everyone involved knows and agrees to the arrangement.
In this new film, Crimson explains how the foursome dynamic works for them.
She’s shy, like Tristan, while Phoenix and Myrina are more extroverted. When they pair off in the bedroom or during social situations, they find balance in one another’s traits.
‘[It’s fantastic] seeing the different relationships and seeing everybody happy and growing within that dynamic,’ she says.
Dr Amy Moor, a psychologist who also stars in the film as an expert on consensual non-monogamy
WHY PEOPLE CHOOSE CNM
Dr Moor says that, for many, the appeal lies in what traditional relationships may lack: variety, novelty and personal growth.
Tristan agrees. Since opening up his marriage, he says he’s become more confident, more outgoing and more self-aware.
‘I’ve grown a lot as a person, which has then translated into all facets of my life. I’ve really come out of my shell a lot and as I’ve had success in the “lifestyle” it’s given me more confidence, which is really cool,’ he says.
But CNM isn’t without challenges.
DOWNSIDES: STIGMA… AND SCHEDULING!
For an on-going study with a colleague in New Zealand, Dr Moor is gathering feedback from thousands of people practicing CNM.
The most commonly reported downsides? Social judgment, time management and communication problems.
‘One of the top responses we found when it came to the disadvantages around consensual non-monogamy was being judged by others,’ Dr Moor said.
‘So stigma from friends, family, work, not wanting to talk about it publicly. Some even mentione fear of legal repercussions, like getting fired from work. Or, for people who have children, [there are] worries about child custody issues, because courts tend to not rule in the favor of people who practice consensual non-monogamy in the US.’
Then there’s the issue of logistics. Coordinating dates, emotions, and calendars across multiple relationships can be overwhelming.
‘A lot of people were saying they felt spread thin, or they didn’t have time for themselves, or it’s just a really delicate scheduling balance to make sure they’re making these people in their life happy and giving them enough time,’ Dr. Moor explains.
And finally, there’s the talk. A lot of it.
‘So some people were saying it was just a lot of communicating, a lot of talking, and then just having to talk more in open and honest and transparent ways than they’re used to,’ she says.
Tristan acknowledges the challenges. He tells viewers: ‘I think it’s important that people understand and realize that this is a very challenging way to live one’s life. This lifestyle exposes weaknesses in relationships but also enhances strengths. It’s a possibility for a lot of people but not for everybody.’
Phoenix says his marriage was in a rut before he and his wife Crimson started swinging
WILL IT GO MAINSTREAM?
Dr Moor believes the normalization of CNM is only just beginning.
Around 10 years ago the professor and her colleagues at the Kinsey Institute, a sexuality research center at Indiana University, conducted a study that found one in five people had engaged in consensual non-monogamy.
But Dr Moor told the Daily Mail that preliminary findings from a follow-up study suggest that number is now closer to one in three.
As more people speak openly about their experiences, she predicts that dabbling in non-monogamy could become mainstream, much like sex before marriage has.
‘It could turn out in the next 10 years that most people have tried it at least once,’ she says.
To learn more about the film and the world of consensual non-monogamy visit www.openjourneylove.com or follow their Instagram @openjourneylove
