Something unusual is happening to my inbox.
The questions women email me about sex are changing in response to our changing attitudes, behaviours and views on sex.
Back along, it was all about ‘How often should I be having sex?’ or ‘How do I give him great oral sex?’.
The questions today are more nuanced and far less straightforward.
Questions like…
Can you have an orgasm without being touched?
Yes – our brains are THAT clever.
Although most orgasms activate ‘bottom up’ – through stimulation of the genitals – they can be induced in a ‘top down’ fashion.
Tracey Cos reveals the questions women email her about sex are changing in response to changing attitudes, behaviours and views on sex
And guess what? Women are the ones most likely to have a ‘touch free’ orgasm – Lady Gaga claims to be able to ‘think herself off’!
How likely you are to be able to do that can, in part, depend on how imaginative you are. But it can also be a reflex: almost everyone has experienced a ‘wet dream’ – where you wake up having orgasmed in your sleep – and it doesn’t always involve humping the bed (or your partner’s leg) while asleep.
Some people accidentally have an orgasm during exercise.
Those who are experienced in mindfulness or Tantra can get there through orgasmic breathing: targeting their breath to different parts of the body while squeezing their pelvic floor muscles.
But touch-free orgasms are most likely to be activated by dreams, fantasy and erotic imagery.
Sexual arousal starts in the brain, after all.
The mental and emotional excitement from talking erotically with a partner can be enough to make some women climax – without any physical contact.
Others can orgasm, simply by thinking about a fantasy.
Do women also fantasise about cuckolding?
For those not in the know, ‘cuckolding’ is when someone is sexually aroused by the idea of watching or listening to their partner have sex with someone else.
‘Hot-wifing’ – encouraging your wife to have sex with other men – is cuckolding.
Dr Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4000 Americans about their sexual fantasies and found 26 per cent of straight women and 42 per cent of non-heterosexual women had fantasised about watching their partner have sex with someone else (stock image)
It’s mostly men who fantasise or suggest doing this in real life but some women happily agree to it, so it’s not just a male desire.
In fact, the answer to ‘do women also fantasise about it’ is a very definite yes.
Dr Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4000 Americans about their sexual fantasies and found 26 per cent of straight women and 42 per cent of non-heterosexual women had fantasised about watching their partner have sex with someone else.
A whopping 40 per cent of heterosexual women and 58 per cent of non-heterosexual women had fantasised about having sex with someone else while their partner watched.
(Men are more likely to fantasise about watching their partner have sex with someone else than being watched by them.)
What’s the appeal for both men and women?
For starters, it’s a form of voyeurism and exhibitionism.
People have always been fascinated by watching others have sex (pornography is one of the most successful businesses ventures of all time).
A lot of humans are also show-offs.
One of the most powerful aphrodisiacs – especially for women – is being desired. Knowing someone really wants you beats even outstanding sexual technique.
If having your partner fancy the pants off you is good, cuckolding fans say having your partner witness lots of other men doing the same ramps it up to another level.
Some people accidentally have an orgasm during exercise. Those who are experienced in mindfulness or Tantra can get there through orgasmic breathing (stock image)
‘When my partner first suggested it, I was horrified and we nearly split up,’ one woman told me.
‘But watching other men respond to my photograph online, begging me to pick them, made me feel more beautiful than I have ever felt.
‘Having my partner witness that was amazing.’
She went on to sleep with a few men, planning the whole assignation with her partner and reporting back – in detail – afterwards.
They split up (not because of this) but she described the experience as ‘liberating’, ’empowering’ and ‘one way to absolutely beat the boredom of sleeping with one person’.
Theories on why men are attracted to cuckolding also abound.
They range from the thrill of the taboo, secretly wanting to feel humiliated and/or the ‘eroticisation of fear’ (taking control of constantly worrying your partner might cheat) to secret bi-curiosity.
There are blatantly obvious drawbacks to taking a cuckolding fantasy into reality: most happy couples find the thought of sexually sharing their partner unthinkable.
But make no mistake about it: plenty are enjoying some hot fantasies, all the same.
Is it normal to have never felt sexual desire?
If I could ban the word ‘normal’ from any conversation about sex, I would.
A better way to word this question is ‘Is it common to never feel sexual desire for anyone?’.
The answer is no, it’s not common.
Between one and two per cent of the population experience little or no sexual attraction to others. (It’s important to point out that asexuals might be romantically attracted to others even if they don’t want to have sex with them.)
Asexuality seems like it’s on the rise because it’s more visible now and recognised as a sexual identity.
That’s because there’s less stigma – society is more accepting of diversity – and because younger people are less likely to try to squeeze themselves into traditional sex and relationship models that don’t suit them.
No-one really knows why some people aren’t interested in sex – though there are many theories. Hormonal variations, brain chemistry and genetics have all been tossed out there.
Researchers believe it’s not a choice – it happens to you or you’re born like it, rather than choose not to feel desire. People assume it’s always connected to trauma but that’s not necessarily true either.
Why do so many guys like to give ‘facials?
I’m not talking the kind you get at the spa: a ‘facial’ in sex (and especially porn) land is when a man ejaculates on his partner’s face.
Yep, it’s controversial – and unacceptable if it’s done without consent. But lots of women quite like the experience as well.
(When answering this question, I’m assuming both partners want and agree to it.)
What’s the appeal? There probably is an element of power and submission.
Degrading things are hot simply because they’re degrading and you’re not supposed to do them or like them.
Other experts don’t believe they’re necessarily negative.
Lehmiller (one of the most reasonable and balanced sex researchers around) has a more pleasant spin.
Eye-tracking studies show that straight men look at female faces when they watch porn.
Unlike men, the female body doesn’t have an obvious sign of arousal. Scanning a woman’s face for signs of pleasure is all they can do to see if she’s enjoying herself.
Ejaculating on a woman’s face – especially if she shows pleasure – is proof of his prowess as a lover.
You’ll find Tracey’s product ranges at lovehoney.co.uk and can listen to her weekly podcast, Sextok with Tracey and Kelsey, on most platforms
